so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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