I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
