my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
