he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
