remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
