my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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