i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
