the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
