Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
