Sry I called you an 8
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize