What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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