Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
