So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
