I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
