3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
