No stitches, just platelets and will power
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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