i just wanna soil my oats bro
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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