shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
