my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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