I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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