dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
