I need to stop coming to work sober
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
