dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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