Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
