i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
