hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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