well I can't set my house on fire every night
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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