There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
