no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
3pm strippers are depressing
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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