hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
