Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
