she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Randomize
