He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
