hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
