if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
