I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
