why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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