wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
