oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
