he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
