Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
