If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
