I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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