If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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