is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
