I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
