Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize