dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
