community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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