when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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