i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
