My hand turned me down
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
