Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
