So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
