I can text with my tongue
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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