i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
