My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
