When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
