I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
