The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
