there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
