Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize