I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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