What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize